Emotional Absence: A Journey of Understanding and Reconnection

Over the weekend, while attending a community event, I had the privilege of sitting next to a prominent man whose perspective on life, politics, and childhood truly resonated with me. As our conversation deepened, one statement stood out—he admitted that during his years of raising children, he was emotionally absent. And he shared the reasons why.

This conversation hit me harder than I expected, as it spoke to a truth I had been wrestling with for years. Like him, I, too, had struggled with the idea that I was an emotionally absent parent. And it wasn’t because I didn’t love my children—I do, with all my heart. But something about my emotions felt different from other parents’, and it left me questioning myself for years.

For the longest time, I believed that emotionally absent parents were selfish, or that they simply didn’t care. It’s a narrative I was told repeatedly, one that made me feel disconnected and misunderstood. But over time, as I dug deeper into my own feelings and experiences, I realized the truth was far more complex.

Emotional absence isn’t always a result of selfishness or indifference. Sometimes, it’s a survival mechanism. For many of us—especially those of us who grew up in environments where emotional expression was stifled—it becomes a way to cope with overwhelming pressures and expectations. It’s a way to disconnect from feelings that we may not know how to process, whether due to trauma, stress, or simply the demands of life.

The truth is, being emotionally absent doesn’t mean we don’t love our children or our families. It means that we may have been conditioned, whether by upbringing, culture, or personal experience, to suppress our emotions. It’s a protective layer that we wear to shield ourselves from the chaos of life, but it can also leave us disconnected—not just from our loved ones, but from our true selves.

I don’t want to sugarcoat it—this emotional absence has had an impact. But what I’ve come to learn is that it’s possible to reconnect. Healing begins with acknowledging these feelings, understanding where they come from, and choosing to break free from the patterns that no longer serve us. I’m on that journey now, and I hope that by sharing this, I can help others who feel emotionally distant from their children or loved ones to realize that they’re not alone. We can begin again.

One day, maybe these thoughts of me not being enough—or good enough—will fade away. Or perhaps, I was just destined to live with a Chaotic Mind. Either way, I’m learning to accept it, to embrace the imperfections, and to trust that healing is a process, not a destination.