The Nostalgia of What Ifs.

A lot of the time, people think that if they go to a few sessions of therapy, they’ll walk away completely healed from whatever hurt them in the past.

But no one really talks about the sudden memories — the flashbacks that ambush your mind without warning. The ones that trap the air in your lungs. The ones you thought you had already healed from.

The truth is, they don’t just disappear. They etch themselves into your DNA. They shape you. They live inside you.

Over the years, I’ve realized they don’t always have to hurt anymore. The sting softens. But the scars? They’re permanent, always visible in some way.

And here’s the hardest pill to swallow:

I’m terrified that one day, these memories will fade

Because for so long, they’ve defined me.

I’ve built an identity around them.

And I don’t know who I’ll be without them.

That’s the biggest realization I’ve come to — that many of us don’t really know who we are without our scars. It feels as though, without them, we might cease to exist.

Everyone says, “Embrace them, then let them go. They made you who you are now.” And maybe that’s true. But maybe — just maybe — things would have looked different if we didn’t have to walk through these trials at all.

It’s not about being fixated on our traumas. It’s about acknowledging that sometimes, we wish we never had them. Nor the wisdom that came with surviving them.

They say you can’t change the past, so don’t dwell on it. And that’s true. But I also believe it’s okay to feel nostalgic about the what ifs.

And then again… who really knows what the right way is?

It’s just another one of my chaotic thoughts.